I Do Not Hook Up
by LottieVanHelsing
Summary: Leolot, Merthur, Morgwen and SLASHY GOODNESS :


_**Title:**__I Do Not Hook Up_

_**Rating:**__ M (Eventually)_

_**Couples:**__Leon/Lancelot, Arthur/Merlin, Gwen/Morgana, Gwaine/OFC(s) AKA Slutty Gwaine :) Cenred/Morgause, Past! Merlin/Will (Reference)_

_**Description:**__No real description. The entire Merlin bunch goes out for drinks, abandoning, sluttyiness, cuddles and sexytimes occurs _

_**Disclaimer:**__I do not own Merlin, or any of the characters you recognize here. All original characters are mine._

_**Authors Note:**__ Written for the lovely Mia (DoubleMMia on FF __)! There is a complete lack of Leolot on the internet, and I seek to end that! Inspired by her beautiful video h tt p : / www . youtube. com/ watch? V = oduTM5vUjoY (Take out the spaces to see it :D) Anyway! This is the first chapter and it's a lot shorter then it SHOULD be because I lost some in editing and couldn't get it back. FAIL! Enjoy._

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It was fitting, Lance thought as he watched the skinny boy on the other side of the glass flail and shriek, shouting obscenities at someone that was either in his head, or invisible to Lance himself. It was fitting that this would be the shit ending, to the shittiest day he'd had in a long time. Michael, the young man in the padded room, had been on so many opiates for so long, that Lance had just assumed that the illness of his mind was caused by drugs, but it seemed now, after being clean for a month, Michael's problems went a little bit deeper then that. He sighed as he turned to his office, set to write out for a psyche analysis in the morning, and was half way through the report when another doctor stuck her head in through the door.

"Hey, we've just given Michael a shot of amidate, so he's down for the night," She said soothingly, "I can take care of the psyche forms if you want, Dr Du Lac? It's been a long day for you," not even attempting to conceal his sigh of thanks, he smiled openly at the young nurse in front who blushed immediately and collected the papers from his desk with fumbling fingers, "Thanks Annie, I'll make it up to you I promise... Not in that way! I mean," He flushed and waved his arms trying to get the point across, "I'm not hitting on you, I just meant-"

"Doctor Du Lac, it's fine, every girl here knows you preference's aren't exactly on the fairer sex," the young intern said, smiling at him as she tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear, "I'll get these to you in the morning, sir," She turned and left leaving Lance to his less then positive thoughts, that were interrupted when his phone began vibrating in his pocket and Merlin's voice began ordering him down to the pub.

"Oh, Merlin, I don't know..."

"...Leon's coming out, and he asked after you especially, so stop moping and bring Gwen! Morgana's here and she's being all lovelorn and attacking Arthur with beer mats. Love you!" He resisted the urge to throw the phone across the room, and buzzed through the Gwen demanding she come with him this very moment before Merlin took them both down.

When Lance and Gwen actually arrived at the pub it seemed the party, for want of a better word was already in full swing, their rag tag group of friends having already congregated and pushed some tables into the far corner of the pub and judging by the increasing volumes of their voices, they had already thrown back a few. The two were greeted with open arms by Morgana, Gwen's girlfriend, who seemed to be the only one not currently involved in watching the argument between Gwaine and Arthur. Merlin turned and noticed the new arrivals and greeted them with a grin before turning to hit Arthur over the head.

"Ow! Domestic abuse, much?"

"Shut up, Gwen and Lance are here, you great prat," The dark haired man said, leaning over to hug the two of them, never giving up his place on Arthur's lap. While everyone else exchanged pleasantries Lance watched as Merlin leant down and kissed Arthur's cheek, muttering an apology and rubbing the spot on the blonde's head he had just struck. Ignoring the old familiar ache, that he was sure would never quite go away he threw himself back into the conversation with gusto.

Years had passed since his last chance to sweep Merlin off his fight, and Lance still found himself sometimes lamenting that he had never plucked up the courage to do so. It had been a brief time during their university years, before careers, mortgage's, insurance and all the other financial stuff had weighed them down; Merlin had broken up with a boy called Will and Lance had been there to pick up the pieces and put his friend back together, which happened rather quicker then he had expected, much too quickly it seemed because by the third day, Merlin was back to normal, out of his post break-up funk and back to his usual floaty self, he had literally ran head first into Arthur, skidding across ice and pulling the blonde with him. Lance had seen the hearts in their eyes when blue met blue and knew he would never be anything other then a friend to Merlin. Since that day the two had been inseparable since, and hey, who was Lance to fight _destiny_?

Oh yeah. _Destiny_. Italicized for emphasis.

It turned out, they had been each other's First Love back when they were teenagers, but Arthur's daddy hadn't approved and whisked his son off to boarding school, hoping to educate the gay out of him.

Lance and Arthur after a night in which Merlin passed out snoring heavily in the living room doorway leaving them alone together, had drunkenly attempted to work out Uther Pendragon's logic in sending his gay son to a place where there was nothing but sexually frustrated boys to stop him from being gay. They had even gone so far as to call and ask him about it at three in the morning.

"Dad, quick question!"

"Arthur, it's 3 AM!"

"Yeah, but we were just wondering, boarding school, that was some screwy logic wasn't it?"

"Screwy... What are you talking about boy?"

"Doesn't matter, we're cool with the gay thing now though aren't we?"

"Arthur. Are you drunk?"

"... Maybe?"

"Sleep Arthur."

"Right! Night dad! We're cool with the gay though, right?"

"Yes Arthur."

From that moment on Lancelot had been unable to hate Arthur, and resigned himself to pining from afar... Maybe one day fulfilling a threesome fantasy if the Merthur (Morgana and Gwen's words) were up for it.

* * *

It was over an hour later when Leon turned up and Lance's heart proceeded to do backwards somersaults in his chest as he took in the broad shoulders as they flexed as their owner was forced to duck to get through the door. Leon's smile was grim at best as he led two others through the crowd with him, muttering an apology as Arthur's face dropped in sheer anguish and Morgana squealed with happiness.

"Morgause! Cenred! How are you both?" Morgana pulled her sister and brother in law down onto the seat next to her, knocking Leon over and practically into Lance's lap. Two cool gray eyes looked up at him, brimming with laughter and a touch of regret, "I think that was karma for bringing Morgause... Is Arthur still giving me death glares?" Lance peeked up at the blonde who was longer giving "Death glares," as Leon so affectionately put them, but was smirking with nothing but pure wickedness, his eyes on Leon's hand which was gripping Lance's thigh, seemingly unconsciously.

"My round!" Merlin yelled, jumping up and knocking Gwaine in the head as he did so, "Lance, will you help me out?" He pulled Leon of his lap and nodded, speeding to join Merlin at the over crowded bar "Just a heads up," the young producer muttered in Lance's ear after they made their orders , "Arthur, kind of, well he does... He knows about your not-so-little crush on Leon," He concluded in a rush, smiling at the elder man in a way that clearly said "Please don't kill me," Lance spluttered as Merlin took two shots from the bartender and handed one to him downing his own with a grimace and gesturing for Lance to do the same.

"How does Arthur know, exactly?" He asked before taking the burning shot and letting the alcohol flood his senses. Merlin winced and shook his head, clearing the taste away before he answered.

"Well... He's very persuasive when he wants to be, it's a problem, to be sure," He laughed nervously under Lance's glare, "Anyway... He knew you told me something, and he wanted to know what it was, and then Morgana got involved-"

"Morgana knows as well?"

"-But the lovely Gwen told her to butt out and took her away to do whatever it is lesbians do, I don't get it but you know I've always been a fan of co-"

"Merlin!"

"Right! So they left and so I told Arthur cos he got a little... Well, not pissed off, but you know what he's like because you used to... You know-"

"Yeah, anyway!"

"Yeah well, Arthur's the jealous type, you know that..." Lance growled at the small, private smirk that lined Merlin's face.

"That shouldn't make you happy you know that, right?"

"I know, but angry sex is the best!"

"I remember when you were sweet and innocent," Merlin gave him an incredulous look, raising one eyebrow in a way that would have had his Uncle Gaius applauding, "Ok, you never were, but your boyfriend is still a bad influence!"

The duo made their way back to the table to find their usual group heatedly discussing the lifelong debate that had plagued them all for years: Is a Jaffa Cake a Cake or a Biscuit? Arthur and Morgana were leading there usual head to head battle, the blond being on the cakey side of the battle field while the brunette stood for the biscuit army. Lancelot had never understood the Pendragon family's need to turn everything into a staged battle, but it worked for them. Of course there were sides all of them were expected to take, and he couldn't find it in him to care when Leon was looking at him through his flyaway curls and patting the seat next to him with a shy smile. Anyway, the night was still young and the Jaffa Battle would continue until the wee hours of the morning when they could find a Tesco still open and buy the treat that caused the war. It was tradition.


End file.
